A New Chapter
I flip the switch. The small bathroom light above me flickers to life, and I meet the steady gaze of my reflection. She doesn’t look like me. She is beautiful, with loose red curls pinned carefully, framing her face, and a soft body tucked into a simple dress. Innocent. That’s how they all tell me I look.
I smile, shaking my head, and begin my nightly ritual. I take out the hairpins, letting my hair fall to my shoulders. I press my glossed lips to a tissue, and strip my eyes of all the heavy liner. I step out of the dress, and stand back. I have never thought myself beautiful, but I have always liked my look best when there is nothing helping it. No makeup, no fancy clothes, no jewelry. Just me.
If only there was someone who knew the real you. I see my lips turn up and my eyes harden. My reflection seems to be mocking me. I try to ignore the thoughts of where I just been before coming home, and my body tenses. I bring my hand to the switch again, and the grinning face disappears into the dark. I don’t need any of that tonight.
I crawl between the soft bed sheets, curling up in the warmth of my bed. I think back to earlier this evening, and shiver. It was a night I won’t likely remember, like so many others. Well maybe if you didn’t have to fake it, you might actually enjoy it. I curl up tighter. I feel tears start to come to my eyes, and I choke them back. Not tonight. I’ve gone eight days tear-free, and I want to make it to nine. I am strong. I am determined. I am a survivor.
Don’t get too high and mighty, honey. No. Don’t go there.
You’re also a prostitute.
I’m thinking of possibly starting a book here, but I’m not confident in my own work. Yes? No? Maybe?
October 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm
And You.are.beautiful. Don’t forget that hon…ever.
October 13, 2012 at 2:46 am
I was thinking how this post started out beautiful – your beauty you described but first with your beautiful approach… and then the self doubt started to creep in (you know, like it does to everyone ) and then how it started pulling you down but you were fighting it. When you felt sad and then said you might start a book, I thought, “Oh wow, that would be interesting.’ I think you could do it very well. No matter what you doubt, the truth is you’re beautiful AND you can express yourself in words – in my opinion anyway. Hugs to you, Jayne
October 13, 2012 at 6:34 pm
W
October 13, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Write. Someone wants to hear your words.
October 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Write because you want to write. Write because you like it. Write because you love it, or because you have to. Write. Write for whatever reasons that you have, public or private, but don’t write just to publish. Don’t make that your only reason. The industry is awful, and people are cruel. But always write…and if you want to put what you write into the pages of a book? Then, do that.
But always write.
November 8, 2012 at 11:52 am
I agree with Lady. Write for you; not sure what the book would accomplish. However, we will all support you — of course — if you did decide to publish.
This whole post is so heartbreaking. Don’t ever beat yourself up for falling a step or two back. It’s totally normal. Think of that place you’re trying to leave as your comfort zone. It’s easiest for you to be there. Your new life takes more effort, so you’ll periodically find yourself in the old space catching your breath until one day your new muscles are big and strong and returning to the old place will actually take more effort. Keep on, girl. You got this. xx Hy
November 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Oh Hy… Even after stepping away from this blog for a while, I come back to find your ever present words of encouragement. Thanks, love. You rock.